Abhinandan’s War

By: | Muhammad Ali Azlan | 



One man, a sixty year old jet fighter, a questionable taste in facial hair, swallowed papers washed down with ‘FANTASTIC’ tea. These are all the ingredients needed for the next Telugu blockbuster which is then translated to Hindi starring an identical protagonist to the brave and undeterred Wing Commander Abhinandan Varthaman.

The version of that story goes, he fought his captors, fired into the air and swallowed important documents (which should not have been in enemy hands), before he was outnumbered and captured.

All this, while he was “bleeding profusely” after the crash.

The pilot, who was equipped with a pistol, asked the youngsters whether it was India or Pakistan. On this, one of them intelligently responded that it was India. The pilot, later identified as Wing Commander Abhi Nandan, shouted some slogans and asked which place exactly it was in India. To this, the same boy responded that it was Qilla’n.

The pilot told them that his “back was broken” and he needed water to drink.

Some emotional youth, who could not digest the slogans, shouted Pakistan army zindabad. On this, Abhinandan shot a fire in the air while the boys picked up stones in their hands.

According to Mr Razzaq (an eyewitness), the Indian pilot ran a distance of half a kilometer in backward direction while pointing his pistol towards the boys who were chasing him.

During this brisk movement, he fired some more gunshots in the air to frighten them but to no avail, he said. Then he jumped into a small pond where he took out some documents and maps from his pockets, some of which he tried to swallow and soaked others in water.

The boys kept on asking him to drop his weapon and in the meanwhile one boy shot at his leg, Mr Razzaq said.

“The boys got hold of him from both arms. Some of them roughed him up, in a fit of rage, while others kept on stopping them. In the meanwhile, army personnel arrived there and took him into their custody and saved him from the wrath of the youths, he said. Thank God, none of the furious boys shot him dead because he had given them quite a tough time.”

I swear what has been written above is not even a fictional work of satire rather it is excerpted from leading Indian news portals.

Nevertheless, I present evidence to these claims with a tear in  my eye and do claim them to be factual and I would even go as far as to call them gospel truth.

EXHIBIT A: Abhinandar channels his inner Krrish and stands up straight with a broken freakin’ back

After persevering the tortures of Jihadi Mullah’s dressed up as Pak Army officers, he manages to flee their custody, he has made a solemn swear to himself that he will bring back truth to the largest democracy in the world, secular India which has remained a pacifist since it’s inception and treats all animals and humans as equals, ripe for the culling.

Anyways, this is what he sends back to India via a highly trained and efficient pigeon that he has persuaded with a few lentils he kept in his pocket to snack on, the pigeon hoots in joy and changes it’s loyalty for “Moong and Masoor”.

With pictures and evidence carefully collected after extensive covert research, the proofs make their way to the Indian side, the pigeon unharmed due to the saffron band it carries around it’s neck signifying where his loyalties now lie.

Indian soldier’s salute the pigeon as he flies past them across the border in slow-mo as Shreya Ghoshal serenades the scene with an extended ‘Alaap’ in the backdrop.


Arnab Goswami and Rahul Kanwal, the dynamic duo/darlings of India give star plus-esque closeups to the camera flailing a few freshly printed ‘evidence’ handed over to them by the pigeon who has now been named Anand Swami and given Indian Nationality and the freedom to crap wherever he pleases.

We have evidence, Pakistan cannot lie through there teeth anymore, both anchors say in unison as if they were conjoined at the hips.

“Official pictures of the wreckage released by Pakistan which they are claiming to be an Indian Jet, is actually a Pakistani Jet, not just any jet ‘Deviyon or Sajno’ but a state of the art block 52-60 F-16 fighter jet which was shot down in a dog fight by the captive Wing Commander Abhinandan who has freed himself from the clutches of the rogue Pakistan Army.”

Old pictures of the crash site released by Pakistan itself and handed over to all major and minor media outlets start popping on the screen with diagrams of an actual F-16 Jet trying to draw comparisons between the defaced wreckage and the sketches.

Vernier calipers and magnifying glasses are brought out, long cloaks and bowler hats worn as the resident Sherlock and Watson of India, Goswami and Rahul get to some top notch investigative work on an interactive LCD whilst indulging in a momentary battle of ego in a hotly contested game of tic-tac-toe.

It’s time to present the second piece of credible and actionable evidence which is from the Balakot strike, the strike which decimated 300 plus terrorists in Pakistan and a 1000 kg bomb spelled doom for whatever came in it’s wake.

An image, pulled from an Aljazeera article, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt, that a Jaish-e-Mohammad seminary did exist in the area and has been targeted and  destroyed.

Case in point, Pakistan has terrorists and we destroyed them, end of story.

Abrupt ending to the movie after an item number with Abhinandan and Kangna Ranaut after he tunnels his way back to India.

P.S Dear reader, before you leave, here is the Aljazeera article: https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2019/02/indian-air-raid-site-casualties-mysterious-madrassa-190227183058957.html


The writer tweets @MuhammadAliAzlan




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