My Grandfather ‘sweared’ by the trUcKload

The following is a work of satire and any resemblance to a person living and/or dead is purely fictitious


He was a old frail man who chain-smoked like a chimney, on his traditional Charpaayi, his fingers were adorned with precious gemstone rings, he also had a traditional hookah by his side which barely lasted 5 minutes so he had to rely on cigarettes.

We as kids would see him piling up cigarette packs of different companies, one on top of another also his lighter collection was exquisite, above his head hung a large painting of a lion painted on a cloth, the lion looked menacing to some but beautiful to me, on his right side hung a life-size portrait of him  in his 40’s with his leather jacket on his right shoulder posing with his eldest son in long shoes and a hunting rifle in Jeans and Denim shirt.

He was a complete character, bold, brash, outspoken and loud.

He loved playing with his grandchildren and adorned them more than an actual parent would, spoiling them with candies, chocolates and money and would often make them sit with him and teach them swear words and laugh at the infants attempts or failure of a proper pronunciation.

He would call on his grown up kids with families of their own and trashed them in front of guests with a wide array of distinguishing tirade of never ending cuss words and all they could say was, ‘Jee Abbu Jee‘.

Whenever anyone visited Grandpa’s place he would order his five daughters in law and two daughters, a total of seven women to prepare the grandest of feasts no matter what his economic conditions he always wanted the people visiting him to be well fed, mostly his stories would go beyond the exceeded time limit, he loved telling stories, relatives and visitors alike would sit for hours upon hours and were somewhat ‘forced’ to listen, you had two choices, either you build up an appetite to enjoy the stories or found awkward excuses to exit the vicinity.

His conversations were 9-0 percent profanity, even his love was profane, to give you an example, if a toddler does something cute he would show his affection towards the act by saying, ‘Oh Bh**C*** Kitna H**** hai, Ma***C***, daikho iss Bh**C*** ko‘ followed by a shriek of laughter till his eyes watered followed by more profanities.

If there were institutions dedicated to swearing, abusing, cussing, and using profanities then he certainly would have headed them with ease based on not only being qualified for the job but rather being overqualified to an extent.

I was so irked by this that it became unfathomable and I stopped visiting him.

It was not always like this, we heard stories of better times but till we got older those times were stories of a bygone era, all we saw now was a sick individual who was arrogant, dominant, dark, vicious, malicious, vengeful and sadistic. Some murmured in the family that the heavy nicotine abuse has messed with his brain.

It all started when he formed a political party whilst studying at the Karachi University, Grandpa received his early education from the Government Comprehensive School in Azizabad. He later enrolled in the Government Boys Secondary School to complete his matriculation in 1969. For the first year of his intermediate education in pre-medical sciences, he attended the National College Karachi.

He later moved to City College Karachi for his second year.

In 1974, he graduated from the Islamia Science College with a Bachelor of Science. In 1979, he graduated from the University of Karachi with a Bachelor of Pharmacy. After graduating from the university, began his career as a trainee at the Seventh-day Adventist Hospital in Karachi while simultaneously working for a multinational pharmaceutical company.

The ‘Milkshake Qulfi Movement’ (MQM), a secular political party in Pakistan that was founded by him in 1984 adhering to the plight of random teenagers to ‘tug their slugs’ in case of emergency.

He started a hunger strike for the release of alleged political workers wrongly accused and abducted by the Inter Services Intelligence (ISI) and accused Pakistan Army for gross human rights violations and raised ‘Pakistan Murdabad’ slogans in desperation. Pakistani media came under attack by MQM activists which ensued full-fledged Pakistan Army crack down on the MQM and its Hunger camp was uprooted and ‘Sixty-Nine’ (Party headquarter) sealed.

Hundreds of MQM activists were arrested by agency men including top tier leadership, Farooq Dholakia (Grandpa’s trusted sidekick and confidant). After an 8 hour detention, Dholakia announced to separate himself from grandpa and formed his own political party by the name of MQM-Pakistan, also seen as a splinter of the original MQM.

MQM then terminated basic party membership of Farooq Dholakia along with many other MQM officials and leaders.

Post this entire episode the original party was reduced to MQM-(L) and so was grandpa now, who was now being considered widely as the newly erected alphabet at the end of his shrinking party name, he was reduced to a laughing stock across Pakistan.



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